Girls Nights and Man Caves

Recently I’ve noticed a spike in relationship spats amongst my friends and their significant others. It’s a known fact that more people partake in relationships during winter months, most likely due to the fact that you want someone to cuddle up with while waiting out the blizzards and ice storms. Break-ups soar in the spring when people realize they can go outside again and do things other than drink at a bar and order in pizza. I’ve read about this in Cosmo for years, and now I’m seeing it play out before my very eyes (and Facebook statuses).

I have a theory about how to remain attached AND happy during the excitement of Spring Fever: Don’t separate forever, take a night or two off!

I’m sure there are several women reading this thinking, “I could never leave my baby for an evening with the girls!” and a few guys saying, “But I want to bring my girlfriend to poker night.” I’m guessing these people are far and in between – or have been dating for less than a month. The truth is, we need space. You can still love the hugs out of someone while having a fantastic night out with friends.

I am a champion of Girls Nights and the Man Cave. Most people who know me will understand that I need time alone, but that I also want to gossip my socks off about everything from The Bachelorette to secret make-out stories. I learned a long, long time ago that straight men are not the best audience for these conversations. Straight men you are dating usually will entertain mild gossip, or interesting tidbits that involve their friends, but they have their limits. They cannot be the sole ear for every nail polish color you love and favorite Khloe & Lamar moment. Would you want to be the only person they talked to about sports and video games? If so, you are special. I personally have a limited amount of space in my brain for baseball statistics and Xbox game moves. Don’t be selfish – remember that it goes both ways!

One married couple I know designates one night a week for their night out. The husband plays on a sand volleyball team and has plenty of time to swear, drink, remember the good ole days, and vent. She goes out with girlfriends to see a chick flick, drink margaritas and vent. Everyone is happy at the end of the night and there is always something to talk about when they get home. You need an outlet from your sweetie once in awhile, and he or she probably needs one from you too. It doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy each other’s company, in fact many of my friends tell me they realize how much they care about their partner after being away for awhile.

I have a few couple friends who have instilled Man Caves in their homes. One room just for the guy to do whatever it is guys do in their own rooms. To me this means leave socks on the floor and play video games. I really don’t care what goes on in there because odds are that it’s what I wouldn’t want going on in my living room. Go for it, knock yourself out, have a great time. I fully support the idea of A Man Cave for Every Man. That should be a show on the Do It Yourself Network. Maybe I’ll pitch that idea and make millions. Don’t steal it.

Overall, I think spring means it’s time to get out and do things. Find community calendars and look for interesting events. I love beer festivals and independent movies so I drag people to those. You can join a scuba diving club or learn to basket weave. Possibilities are endless and you can use the time to get out of the house and take a breather from your loved one. Most of the happiest couples I know do a lot of things together, but also have their individual hobbies. Jen’s dad has a tree farm. My mom goes to book club. Be yourself and do what you love! Remember: You can’t miss someone if they are always around!

Technology and the Dating Scene - Remember Real Phone Calls?

After talking with some friends these past few days I realized something completely obvious: There are too many ways to contact people, and dating is less personal than ever.

Let me walk you through several methods of contact that people are using these days and how they have complicated the dating scene.

Facebook

In my opinion Facebook has ruined the dating world. I remember the days before Facebook became huge and guys actually asked for your number and called you. (Texting wasn’t that huge yet either.) I also remember the first time I was asked out over Facebook. I responded back with my phone number and told him to call me and try again. Now however, getting asked out on Facebook is completely normal. A friend told me her little brother asked his date to prom during a Facebook chat. I really don’t think I would have accepted an AOL proposal back in my day, but times are a changing I suppose. I don't even want to talk about inferring everything from the type of girl someone is interested in to how long he dated his last girlfriend through Facebook photos. Say it with me: Facebook stalking ruins lives.

I was thinking about Facebook’s affect on relationships due to a discussion I had with a good guy friend of mine last night. Mutual friends set him up on a date with a girl, and they had a great time. He called me and asked when it would be appropriate to Facebook friend her. After an actual in-depth discussion, we decided on the next night or two mornings later. I ran it by another guy friend and he agreed with our plan. Then it hit me: Is when to Facebook the new 3 Days Rule?

Twitter

If I hear one more story about people flirting over Twitter I may cry. Who does that? Can’t other people read what you are saying? I’m confused. Please stop.

GChat

Gmail is the new AOL as far as I’m concerned. Remember the nights when you pretended to be finishing homework, but actually you were talking to a boy and simultaneously all your friends about what you two were saying? We twenty-somethings are doing that on GChat now. The only difference is we don’t print out the conversations and bring them to school. Now we just email them.

I know several people who tend to keep their flirting on GChat instead of texting. I understand that you are not supposed to use your phone during business hours so the computer makes a fantastic cover. However, has anyone noticed that you can become obsessed with a person that you talk to all the time online…but then in person it’s a bit awkward? So then my question is: Is it awkward because you created a deep, yet isolated relationship that flounders in real life situations…or is it awkward because you aren’t used to speaking to each other in person and so it’s like meeting them all over again, even though you know their favorite ice cream flavor and most embarrassing high school moment?

BBM/WhatsApp/Skype - Texting

These are all forms of texting. I will admit it right now; I love to text. I am hooked on texting and prefer it to actual phone calls the majority of the time. Do you know who I do not text? My boyfriend. When I am dating someone I call him most of the time and avoid texting. This is mostly due to the fact that – and this is important – you CANNOT convey tone in a text message. I am at a loss to think of how many arguments my girlfriends and I could have avoided had we actually spoken to our loved ones instead of texting.

Texting makes everything impersonal. It’s like email, but even more instantaneous. You have the ability to tell someone your thoughts right then and there, and I’m going to venture to say that this is usually not the best for relationships. We take out our insecurities and bad moods on loved ones, mostly because they are right there, but also because we know they will forgive us. While I can know that someone is in a bad mood because of something else, reading a message written in the heat of the moment still has an impact. Don’t even get me started on drunk texting. Drunk text fights are probably the leading cause of stress in twenty-something women involved in relationships. I even know people who have broken up though texts.

Why can’t we talk with each other anymore? Where did the romance go?

The generation younger than us faces a strange moment in dating history. They grew up with texting, Facebook and Twitter. They have attention spans of goldfish and think in 130 characters or less. When I coached high school girls their dates asked them to Homecoming via BBM or Facebook Chat. Are they headed for an entire dating career of electronic headaches??? Perhaps the reason myself and my friends have so much trouble is we weren’t born into the technological dating world. Trying to infer tone from text messages, and understanding if he likes you if he Facebooks you after one day or two is just too hard. We remember what it was like to get actual phone calls after the first date, and so we compare new relationships to those from the past. Now if a friend gets a phone call after a date we all shriek and say, “That is SUCH a good sign!” As in, it’s not exciting he called to ask you out again, it means he likes you enough to forgo Facebook, email, and texting bullshit to speak with you. I’ll go out on a limb and say that if you call someone after a date it means you like them A LOT. Not a little, not like you think you may want to run into them next weekend, like you want them in your life and you are going to make that happen!

Do you love dating with technology, or is it frustrating? I personally like how easy it is to contact someone, but I think it’s made us all over think interactions and undervalue personal contact. My guy friends tell me that if a guy wants to get to know you, he will. He will call and he will find a way to see you in person. He will not GChat you all week and disappear on weekends, and he will not confuse you with Facebook photos. As for us girls, I say we take matters back into our own hands and call the boys who leave us message-less after a great date. What do you think?

Call Leaders to Stop Hate in Uganda!

A few days ago I got an email from Avaaz.org asking me to sign their petition against the gay death penalty bill in Uganda. Today I received another email asking for more help. I have copied the email below. If you agree with this mission PLEASE click on the link below and either sign the petition or call your leaders. On the site you can find the number you need to call - no matter what country you are from, Uganda needs your help!

***

The Uganda gay death penalty bill didn’t pass on Wednesday. But in an unprecedented move, Parliament has bought more time, and will debate it inan emergency session this Friday.

President Museveni can stop the bill and we have a unique chance to influence him -- today he is being sworn in for another term in office and in the next 24 hours world leaders will send him welcoming messages. Museveni is sensitive to views on his statesmanship, and relies heavily on the support of many governments. If our Heads of State tell him that they reject this heinous bill and expect him to step in -- the bill could be scrapped. 

We've done it before -- last year the bill was shelved after a global outcry pushed President Obama to call it 'odious'. Now let's flood our Heads of State with calls urging them to send a clear message to Uganda to drop the bill and protect human rights. This is about life or death for the brave gay activists on the ground, and they deserve our full support. We have only 24 hours -- click below to take urgent action now: 

http://www.avaaz.org/en/uganda_call_to_stop_homophobia/?vl

This fight is down to the wire. Wednesday should have been the last day of the current Ugandan Parliament, and throughout the day the bill was taken on and off the agenda. When the religious extremists got it back on, human rights champions countered to get it removed. The Avaaz petition against the bill grew at lightening speeds of nearly 3000 signers a minute and was reported by media all over the world, and our brave friends on the ground, regularly updated members of Parliament on its progress.

But at 7 PM in Uganda, the Parliament agreed to an extraordinary move -- they pushed the bill into an emergency hearing on Friday. Now it is crunch time. If the bill doesn’t come to a vote on Friday, Parliament closes and all unfinished business is scrapped, but if Museveni allows this to be voted in, gay Ugandans could be sent to jail for life and “serial offenders” could be executed. President Museveni is the one person who can stop this, by either vetoing the bill or pressuring Parliament not to vote on it.

Our close friend and Ugandan gay rights activist Frank Mugisha just sent us this message: "If this bill passes there is going to be more harassment, and more bashing and violence in the streets. This anti-gay bill will turn Uganda into a police state where we won't even be able to live here without being thrown in jail or hanged. Please help!" 

In the last week over 1.5 million of us have signed the petition calling on Uganda to throw out this bill. We can’t stop now-- our best chance to prevent the bill is for world leaders to urgently and forcefully condemn this bill and push Museveni to act. Stand with Frank and call now!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/uganda_call_to_stop_homophobia/?vl

All life, no matter what creed, nationality or sexual orientation, is equally precious, and the Avaaz community has consistently stood with activists around the world fighting injustices. We’ve proved that, when hundreds of thousands of us come together in solidarity and with purpose, we have the power to change the world for the better. As this fight in Uganda enters its final moments, let’s continue to fight for equality and stand with our courageous friends on the ground. 

With hope and determination,

Alice, Iain, Emma, Morgan, Brianna and the rest of the Avaaz team 


SOURCES: 

Ugandan parliament yet to debate bill that would jail gay people for life
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/11/uganda-gay-people

Uganda anti-gay bill stalled after global outcry
http://www.nowpublic.com/world/uganda-anti-gay-bill-stalled-after-global-outcry

Uganda's parliament set to debate anti-gay death penalty bill on May 13, reports Human Rights Watch
http://miamiherald.typepad.com/gaysouthflorida/2011/05/ugandas-parliament-set-to-debate-anti-gay-death-penalty-bill-on-may-13-reports-human-rights-watch.html 

Uganda bill dropped for now
http://www.starobserver.com.au/news/2011/05/11/uganda-bill-dropped-for-now/51849

Interviewing is like Dating

A lot has changed since I lasted posted. I am back in the States and very domestic, living with a cat and two dogs. I am currently job searching – great fun during a recession I promise you – and friend searching. The friend searching is more fun, but more on that later. This post is dedicated to the tedious and frustrating experience of job searching.

This last week or so have been harder than I expected. When I was describing my feelings to Marisa I realized that to the uninformed ear, I could be talking about a guy! Hypothesis: Interviewing is like Dating. Let’s check out the evidence….

Interview/Date 1 – The Booty Call

This scenario is reserved for part time gigs. Just like part time boyfriends. I have interviewed for a few jobs recently that pull this move on me. They act all interested when I meet them, give me forms to fill out, and tell me I’ll be on the next schedule. I leave feeling great about myself, and planning the outfit I’ll wear for my first day. 

And then I don’t hear from them for two weeks.

Out of nowhere I get a call asking if I can work this weekend. As in two days from now. One friend once got a call asking her to work that very night. She hadn’t even had training! Sometimes we jump at these offers and rearrange our schedule to show up at the new job. Other times we say we have prior commitments, but could we start next week? Sure, they say, no problem.

And then I don’t hear from them for two weeks.

Just like the guy or girl who forgets about you, except when their main squeeze is busy, these jobs treat us like booty calls. Sadly, usually I play along and end up working just once in awhile, hoping that I’ll make the regular schedule.

Interview/Date 2 – Who Rejected Whom?

I recently interviewed for a job that I knew I did not want. I walked out of the office and thought to myself, there is no way I would end up taking this job if the company offered it to me. Just like a bad date where you run from his car to your apartment door in an attempt to get away as fast as possible. I then had a call for a second interview; I agreed against better judgment because I thought to myself, maybe there will be a chance to transfer to a better position down the road. If you have ever agreed to a doomed second date you will understand why this was a fatal mistake. There are two possible outcomes. Either you will be hopelessly pursued via email, text and Facebook for the next month, or someone will have to awkwardly end it.

In my situation, I was faced with the obnoxious, Who Rejected Whom Scenario. Despised by everyone on the dating scene, it also occurs in the corporate world. After two interviews and learning that the company was paying mere pennies (I could have made more a year bartending) I told multiple friends I would never work for this company. To my chagrin, the company emailed me saying they had chosen another candidate for the position. Sure, I didn’t want them, but how dare they not want me!

Interview/Date 3 – Love at First Sight….For You

This scenario is extremely sad and frustrating. I faced this one last week, as did Brie. We went through multiple rounds of interviews, jumped through several other hoops, and in the end, had good feelings about the companies. Just like that guy or gal you go on several dates with and are feeling like it could really go somewhere!

And then - absolute silence.

Both Brie and I attempted to follow up. Last we both heard, the companies would be in touch with us. We waiting for contact and when none came, we called and emailed. We remained professional and did not acting like a love-obsessed teenager. Never heard a peep from these companies. Eventually we took the hint and stopped attempting to make contact. Overall I was pretty upset, not only because I wanted the job, but also because they did not have the courtesy to tell me they hired someone else. I mean the job I didn’t want did! If they were avoiding conflict, they could have simply sent me an email and ignored any responses. Having gone through such an extensive interview process I definitely expected something. Anything to tell me that I wasn’t so unimportant they had already forgotten about me. Lesson learned: Call that guy or girl you want to end things with and give them the respect they deserve.

 ***

These are the interviewing scenarios. There are several employment scenarios I will write about later, including The Blah Relationship and the coveted, Mutual Love at First Sight. I just needed to get the frustration of bad experiences off my chest and let people know that you are not the only ones getting treated unprofessionally. My only hope is that the perfect job is out there and it is only a matter of time before I share Mutual Love at First Sight with a great company.

Guest Post

The Road Best Taken

By Jacob

I'd hate to be a self-defeatist or pessimist, but for whatever reason, I am faced with this question a lot:  How much is too much to fight for the affection of the opposite gender?  Is the only love worthwhile that which is almost instantly returned?  Do the ends justify the means?  That is to say, if it takes three months for your actual soul mate to realize that fact, are those twelve weeks of effort really a problem at all?  Picture the classic fork in the road, except both paths are dark and have spooky vegetation.

There are two opposing trains of thought in this discussion.  One is a more aggressive, independent, and self-confident 'take me or leave me' attitude.  We’ll call this the Me Approach.  The focus of this philosophy is on Me; my personal satisfaction and pride, and it definitely has its merits.  Why fight through thorns and treacherous ground for someone who isn't putting in the same effort?  The case could be made that the only people worthwhile in your life, romantically or otherwise, are those that are as equally interested in earning your trust and respect.  Trying too hard to earn someone's affection is considered demeaning, demoralizing, and disrespectful of your own self-worth.

The other approach, seemingly more romantic, says that love is worth fighting for.  This one we’ll call the Us Approach. This premise is based on the rationale that there is a more than reasonable chance that there is an eventual Us to be had, given that one doesn’t give up the fight.  This idea has made its way into movies and literature for centuries.  Boy meets Girl.  Girl dismisses Boy because of a perceived shortcoming.  Boy tirelessly charms, schemes, and bares all for Girl.  Girl slowly realizes Boy's allure.  Lo and behold, at minute 75 or page 237 (of 260), Girl falls in love with Boy.  And in spite of, or because of, the very act of his fighting for her despite her misgivings, they do indeed live happily ever after.  Most importantly, they are better off for his struggles.  As long as we're talking about a reasonable Boy taking reasonable action, and not pressing on despite frequent and intense law enforcement involvement, this is a perfectly viable option.

I cannot decide for the life of me which of these approaches is the best.  As in most everything in life, a little bit of both is probably in order.  Unfortunately, these two approaches are almost mutually exclusive.  Why?  Let's compose a scenario.  Through whatever means, a bar, a dating site, mutual friends, Boy meets Girl and they have a First Date (duh duh duhhhhh).  It goes reasonably well.  Girl doesn't want to throw her martini in Boy's face, but neither is she head over heels in anticipation of their next encounter.  Seeing that this is the modern world, Boy texts Girl random chatter occasionally.  Girl isn’t first to initiate the conversation, she is not especially verbose, but she always responds.  There’s even the occasional lol or :) thrown in and come on, that’s got to mean something right?  Lets state an assumption that she is coy at best, indifferent at worst.  It's a tossup for Boy, does he forge ahead or find the next Girl?

This is where we realize that these two viewpoints are hard to hold equally.  Asking Girl on a second date after she hasn't made her own attempts at flirtation breaks Rule #1 of the Me Approach.  She hasn't made any effort?  Well, goddammit, I'm not going to either.  Why exert any further effort when there are plenty of other fish in the sea?  But this is rule #1 of the Us Approach.  I am interested in this girl and, goddammit, I am going to do this!  A second date could work, it’s not like she's actively rejecting my presence, she's just not wildly in love and that is fine for now.

Impasse.  In retrospect it’s easy to see that each of these approaches has worked for hundreds of thousands of Boys and Girls over the years.  Meet any amount of couples at a gathering and you can hear both versions: the I Just Knew He Was the One story and the Listen to What He Did When We Were Dating story.  They've also failed plenty of suitors of either gender.  While we can imagine the lost possibilities of quitting too soon, we can actually see the futile efforts of an unrequited lover.  It's unfortunate that foresight will never be as good as hindsight because a huge leap of faith is necessary, regardless of which dark and spooky path you take at the dating fork.

"Prayin" - new song to check out

Definitely not for you techno types, but for those of you who want some lazy rainy day music, here's a great new song from my friend Charlie:

Isabella

Happy Valentine’s Day! In honor of Paige’s favorite holiday, I’ve decided to dedicate this post to one of my favorite successful relationships. I think everyone has that friend who is part of the perfect couple. For me, it’s Isabella. Her relationship gives me hope, and her stories make me smile. I can’t even be jealous because they are so freaking cute together. For all those single girls out there, or anyone who wants to hear a love story, read on….

Once upon a time there was a sweet princess named Isabella. She lived in a castle with her parents and little sister, and sometimes worked in the town market. She loved animals and even graduated from college with a degree in Zoology! But then, just for awhile, she couldn’t decide what to do with her life. Should she move to a different kingdom? Should she marry the boy she met at the tavern the other night? There were so many questions to answer, and she just did not know what to do. One boy had courted her earlier, and she had thought maybe she was in love, so when it ended, she was very sad. But as any good princess knows, a painful heartbreak always precedes something wonderful. She patiently waited, and waited, and waited. She met many young men from the kingdom and once, when she was a bit desperate for that good thing to happen, she even kissed a frog.

One day, Isabella was spending time with her girlfriends in the park. One of her friends had been dating a nice boy from a kingdom not too far away, and was entertaining the group with a story from his last visit. Isabella couldn’t help think how lucky her friend was, and hope that her own good fortune was just around the corner. That young man decided to bring his friends to visit their kingdom, and a party was planned for the next month. Oh how the girls threw themselves into preparations! Some bought new dresses, some played with different hairstyles, and all fantasized about the men they would meet and fall in love with. All but one. Princess Isabella had given up on finding her true love anytime soon. She had thrown herself into work, and some days she forgot to wonder when her Fairy Godmother would deliver her a prince. She got ready with the other girls and helped them look their most beautiful, and when the time came, she walked gracefully into the party looking as she did any other day. The other girls told her she was being foolish, but secretly they envied her because she still was the most beautiful.

Isabella had a wonderful time at the party, laughing and dancing with the young men from the neighboring kingdom. One man in particular kept her dance card full, and although she usually liked to spend time with everyone, something inside her kept her dancing in his arms all night. When the music ended and the women were walking slowly towards their carriages, this young man found Isabella in the crowd and slipped a note into her hand. She didn’t dare read it until she was safely in bed for fear of starting rumors amongst her less polite girlfriends. When she finally opened the note, it simply said, “Isabella, please write me” followed by his address in the neighboring kingdom. Oh what she wouldn’t give to be able to talk to him instantly! But because this was once upon a time, she had to contact him the only way possible: by post.

They spent several weeks writing letters back and forth to one another. Her mother saw the excitement in Isabella’s eyes whenever she heard the ding of the mail arriving. She would open the letter and a smile would play across her face as she took in every word. Eventually she couldn’t take the distance anymore, she felt she had to see him. Her girlfriends organized a weekend trip to the neighboring kingdom, and this time Isabella was as excited as the rest. She brought her most lovely dresses and styled her hair in the most fashionable way. When the carriage arrived in the other kingdom, her stomach felt full of butterflies and she wanted to dance in the street.

Sadly, Isabella’s perfect weekend was not to happen. Her love had become very ill and was unable to attend any of the parties. Isabella was very upset, but because she was a sweet princess, she did not let anyone see her pain. She wanted the other girls to have a good time and enjoy their own suitors. On the last night though, Isabella could bear it no longer, and she slipped into her beloved’s castle. As she was a friend to all animals, some palace guard dogs led her to his sickbed. He was sound asleep, and looked very ill. She cried, thinking that she had finally found her love and was about to lose him. She turned to leave, but before she could stop herself, her heart turned her back around and she planted a soft kiss on his lips. Nothing happened.

Isabella returned to her own kingdom and spent the next few weeks alone in her room, rereading his letters. Her mother eventually came in and asked what had happened on the trip. Had her beloved run off with another girl? Had he been eaten by a dragon? What could be so wrong? Isabella cried, saying she thought he had died because the last time she saw him he was very sick and she hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Her mother held her hand and read her the stories of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty as if Isabella was a young girl. Soon the princess was fast asleep.

The next morning Isabella woke up and saw it was a beautiful day outside. She told herself that this was a sign; it was time to move on and be happy again. She put on a beautiful dress, tied her hair back, and asked her sister to go for a walk by the pond. As they left the castle, she noticed a parade of horses and carriages coming towards them. The girls stepped to the side to let everyone pass, and as she did, she saw the rider of the first horse. It was her beloved! Their eyes met and he immediately stopped the procession. Without speaking, he jumped off his horse and they ran to meet each other, stopping only when their lips met for their first kiss.

I think we all know how this story ends, but I’ll say it anyway: They lived happily ever after. To be fair, there were a few arguments over which kingdom to live in, and the distance was a bit hard, especially when his carriage broke. Fairy tales never include that nonsense though, so I’ll just call this the abridged version. Trust me, they lived happily ever after.